"Silence is Gold"

...so I’ve been told.

Let’s see, shall we? In several cases, meaning situations like when your parents are having serious talks about certain things for instance, while you’re goofing off and making fun of the subject, then of course it is. So you’d better keep those lips shut. But what if it’s about something a lot more than that, what if it’s something that you can’t keep to yourself? Something you have to say aloud? What if it’s a truth long hidden, that you have to stand up for it?

“Whoa, whoa. Hold your horses, Missy. It would help if you explain a little,” might probably be just the thought that came across your mind. Although everyone I know are spending their day in a mall some place, or even stuck in traffic, I’m happily glued to my bed next to books and DVDs, eager to write about other things and post them here. I watched The Help earlier today; Emma Stone played as the leading lady. Skeeter (Emma Stone) is a young, well-educated Southern woman, motivated to become an aspiring writer, and was given the chance to become one. The days that she lived in, wasn’t exactly drama-free. It was the years that the environment had issues with “colored” people. To sum the plot, the white people looked down upon the Negroes, where every black people were used as “rewarded” slaves. They pretty much do everything, from cleaning, to cooking, to raising their children. But the respects they received from people who employ them were anywhere near compassionate. Skeeter, who disagreed with how her friends treated the maids, decided that she would do something about it. What else can she do about it? She can write, she figures. So she started with writing a small column in the local newspaper. She then gathered her resources, investigating about how the black people who worked as maids feel, made it into the scandalous book that turned the town upside down. Although the maids that opened up had doubts at first for speaking up, they trusted Skeeter was going to be just the right person who will help them out of the blunder.

You can’t make the world a better place, unless you do what you can with what you have. In Skeeter’s case, she wrote about it. It’s scandalous, at the moment it’s even against the law to fight for equal treatment, but she did what she think is right. And it paid off. Some of her friends despised her, the things she did— but some actually stood up with her. Even the man who adore her and encouraged her to write, left her at the end of the movie, admitting to her that she’s better off alone, because he thought what she has written was ridiculous. But it didn’t make Skeeter regret anything.

“Some things you just have to keep for yourself.”


Yes, it might be true. As said in the movie, it might be better if some things are left unsaid. But what if one truth made a world difference? Silence might be gold, but speaking up is diamond. I know it’s hard to speak up for your self sometimes. But sometimes believing what’s right, means believing it on your own.



keep the faith
xoxox

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Love and Loss

Certainly two things we’re all familiar with. We must have been through either one, or if you’re lucky enough to experience both, then I guess you must be remarkably trusted by the Man From Above that you are capable to handle them. I recently lost my Uncle-- who is the husband of my Mother’s sister-- not too long ago, precisely a week before Christmas. The death was so sudden that it really caught the whole family off guard, for the reason for his death itself didn’t really seem lucid to me. It wasn’t because of age, for he was only 52 at the time he passed. It wasn’t because of a long-term illness, for he only complained of feeling a little unwell a day before his death. Then again, nobody really knows when their time will come.

A week before the loss, I also attended a funeral of a good friend of mine’s relative, which was also a mournful, terrible loss. It’s never easy to say goodbye. I mean, who’s ever ready to see the person they love for one last time? If you could do something about farewell, you would probably do anything for another chance to have them in your life. You’re beginning to realize just how much you haven’t embrace their presence in your life, when they were still alive. They were indeed, a part of your family.

I remember a man said, “You don’t even know about my family. My family put the ‘funk’ in dysfunctional.” I understand what he’s saying. No family is ever perfect. Some of them might even be incomplete. But even we are satisfied with our choice of friends, right? Friends are our right to choose, clearly, we’re satisfied with the selection of people in our daily lives. Now we’re talking about family here. Family is chosen for us, by God. You might think God misplaced you some place, that you’re not meant to be in the family you’re in, or you have a better idea of the “ideal family,” but guess what, there is always a plan hidden somewhere. It’s not because God thought to Himself, “Hmm, I’ve run out of good families, I think this little fella wouldn’t mind Me placing him in this delusional and psychotic family.” No. It is because of great amount of love. Nothing is an accident. Even things that might seem like an accident, was actually a planned scenario. I know, God might seem a little tricky. But trust me, He always has something up His sleeves. It is not easy; to look at it that way. Especially if you think that your life is miserable enough-- you just lost someone, you feel depressed-- that you can’t do anything about it. Yes, you’re right. You can’t do anything about it. Death, loss, failures; you can never do anything about it. Like the choice of members in your family, you can do absolutely nothing about it. Why? Because it was not yours to take care of. You might row the boat as hard as you could, but if the wind and current are against you, it doesn’t take you far.

So let go of the things you can’t change and start with the things that you can do something about. If you can’t change the people or situation around you, change the way you see things. If you’re holding onto something that doesn’t drive you to become a better person, then let go. It’s better to let go of things that do your life harm than to hold onto the things that would drag you down. The choice is yours to choose.


keep the faith
xoxox

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A Fresh Start

Recent Song On Play: Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Wedding Version)- Iron & Wine

Hi, Earthlings! Glad to know that my blog is not deactivated by the server (yet!). All is well, except I just haven't been in the best shape for blogging... But hear me now, I am back. Better than ever. And when could be a better timing but the end of the year. I love to start the new year with a fresh start.

Fresh start. Who wouldn't want a fresh start? I mean, we all make mistakes and our choices might not be the best there is, but hey, above all, life is still good. And in the end, everything happens the way they should be. Don't worry if you think you can't move on, or the hardest part of starting over with someone is starting right down from the bottom. People see the bad side in trying to move on from a person of the past because you think it's going to be the same all over again. Therefore you have trust issues, you get insecure. Take it this way, when you're about to start a new relationship with someone, picture yourself being a totally renewed human being. Would you still want to do the same mistakes all over again? No, right? You would definitely learn from all the other faults you've done in the past, because there's another chance you might do it right this time. Picking up the pieces, I used to be scared of what might have been. But if you're too scared of the future, it might not even happen.

...and if I live a thousand years, you know I never could explain, the way I lost my heart to you that day. But if destiny decided I should look the other way, then the world will never know... The greatest story ever told.



keep the faith
xoxox

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In Good Terms

It's common to become strangers again when your relationship with someone ended in great tragedy. So they say that lovers that end cannot remain friends. Is that true?

I know a lot of you have experienced-- or maybe speaking on behalf of people who don't have the experience, might heard from a relative or two-- that it's hard to stay in good terms when something didn't work out with someone. Maybe how it ends became the main reason, or there are some other explanations various people have in mind. Or perhaps when they meet or start a conversation, things get awkward, so they'll cut the chit chats and rather avoid or stay away from it.

It is simple actually. If it starts with love, end it with love. I don't see why you can't remain friends or build a good friendship. Truth is, if you really love something, the love never wears away. Things don't always work out the way you want it to, but I don't see the reason why you should become enemies.

It's either you will always love someone, or you just have never really loved them. Simple as that. I figure that if it's really love, they take a part of you with them when they leave forever.

Sure, people change, but love remains the same. Love is patient, love is kind. Sometimes love means slowly losing your mind. Hate can turn to love, but love... It is so powerful that it can't be converted to hate. Because love will always, and I mean always find a way.


Keep the faith
Xoxox

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Masses Of Masks

Why search for something vain and let go of something that lasts?
Who can heal the scars in your broken past?
Was it a crooked smile?
I can see it in your eyes,
How much pain can one man take?
It's clear to me just how your spirit breaks,
Or was it only a heart that had ached?
Like a shadow it shows,
Creeping in, so that nobody knows,
A blur but still somehow visible,
Laughing beneath a life full of lies,
Living under a soul that slowly and painfully dies.

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Dating Essentials

You might ask if I have any sleeping trouble for blogging at this irrational hour of the day... Maybe, yes. Most of the time, it's a no. But I get consumed by my thoughts a lot, this blog, I see it as a healthy alternative. So every time I get a chance to pour my hearts out here, I go on and do it. No second thoughts. Those posts made without thinking, are mostly the most honest and the truest out of all.

I thought it was going to be like in the movies. Rainbows and butterflies. The unexpected surprises. We all get the picture, right? The only thing looking anything like in the movies, is those broken-hearted scenes, with a depressed person being in bed, with tissue for a runny nose and puffy eyelid at 4 in the morning, half consciously typing words as they form sentences inside the head.

What's the point? What's the point of relationships; does anyone got an answer to that? Dating. What's the use? No one should be dating if they're gonna end up with a breakup at the end. No one should be dating if they go as far as finding someone better at the end, just to leave the other person behind. No one should be dating if they care a lot more for themselves than they do for the other person in the relationship. It's a joke. This relationship thing. And dating is like gambling, you can end up in two, marriage or a breakup. Successful relationships end up in marriage, unlucky ones remain single individuals again. It's a waste of time, mourning over someone who doesn't really care anymore, though. When everything is hurting and it's killing you on the inside. You recognize the person in the mirror, but you just don't know anymore. You just don't know. Nothing was suppose to change. Everything around might be changing, but love remains the same. I should have known... I should have known better. I'm not disappointed at anyone. I'm most disappointed at myself. If only I see the good in men. How can I see the good in men if they're just another unfaithful, dishonest & selfish human being? You're with him, but his thoughts are some place else. It's sad, really. When the presence of two people feel more empty than a single loner.



keep the faith
xoxox

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Fix You

Recent Song On Play: She Is Love (Acoustic)- Parachute

I went to my first concert on December earlier this week! Was among the lucky few to witness Train's concert on Monday. The band that got every girl wanting to get hitched from listening to their single "Marry Me," and also got the Ukulele ringing in our heads because of "Hey Soul Sister" sure swept us off our feet. Their tour was titled "Save Me, San Fransisco" and I just found out not too long ago that it was their 5th studio album. Wow, talk about a long journey to the top! But from a reliable source (that I can't give you the name of, it's confidential), Train was reportedly a very positive band. And I came to realize that they really are. In the press conference, the band-- when asked what kept them going all this years-- gave a very humbling and honest answer, it was because they were always thankful. I sound kinda stupid, but it proves to me that in most cases, good guys really do finish last.

We all wanna be the hero, right? We all want to change the world. But guess what? You can't do that because no matter how noble or positive you may be, there will be people against you or people who critique you or dislike you. That's just the way this Universe works. You can't please everybody.

It is hard to fight against the current. It is always easier to be drifting away with the waves. It's logic. To stain something is easier than to clean a mess up. Positive will always be harder to be accepted than negative. That's why truth always hurts more than lies. You can't always want to change things the way they are. But you can do one thing. You can try. You can only do the best. Hope for the best. One good change is better than no change at all.




keep the faith
xoxox

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"Dreams Are For Losers..."

I didn't think about the consequence,
It didn't even make any sense,
Like floating on empty space,
Walking on sand without a trace,
Dreams are a chain of emotional burst,
Satisfying each of your ambitious thirst.

Welcome to my reality,
A place where I can't even have my own identity,
They told me what to do and where to go,
All that I hear is people saying 'No,'
"Dreams are for losers," that's what they say,
But not one word can lead me far astray.

You can call it what you want; a joke, maybe a fantasy,
Spiteful comments, so mean and nasty,
I was forced to follow life's trend,
But I dream with my eyes wide open,
I'm not stopping, not until they arrive,
For they are my dreams-- that keep me alive.

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Enough

It's December and I know what you're thinking; we're heading towards the end of the year already and yet-- it almost feels like there's not much that you did this year. Or things that you wish you could have done better, or there are a lot more things that you haven't done at least. Or is it just me? If there is one thing that human will never get enough of is the feeling itself-- being content, as in the feeling of having or doing enough.

Isn't it in our nature, though? Of the need to do or want more? Maybe that's the thing that drives us to our goals, the ambitions. I recently watched a fictional movie called The Adjustment Bureau. So basically it's about a man that is in the middle of an election to run the country. Somewhere along the way to the peak of his career, he met this woman and instantly fell for her. Everything felt right from the beginning. One thing that you should know is that the plot of the movie basically created this group of people that can "control" how the whole world works. The Chairman, that I picture as the "God" because he is the one that wrote the fate and has the ultimate control over everything, employs a group of people to take care of everything going on. In short, this group of people told this man that in order for him to do well on this road he's on, as in his journey to The White House, he has to leave this girl because she'll do his future harm. There's no exact reason told in the movie why that is possible, but this group of people just kept on getting in the way for them to get together. The girl even had dreams herself. Her dream was to become a professional dancer. But the girl herself couldn't hide her feelings for him. She even tried another relationship with a guy that she soon got engaged to, but broke him up for the guy of her dreams, the one she was told she was not suppose to be with.

It's kind of complicated to tell you how the whole movie goes. You have to see and rate the movie for yourself to be able to have a say on what it really is about. To me, it's about feeling content of what you have. The man risked everything he has to go for this girl that he was sure of. I don't know what he was sure of. But she surely made him feel enough. There's a moment in the movie where the man said that she was enough. It somehow showed me that dreams change as you meet other people. Especially people that became your dream came true. But maybe, just maybe, having enough is enough.

"All I have are the choices that I make, and I choose her."


keep the faith
xoxox

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A Night Of War

It was terrible chaos. The clear blue skies turned into grey and loud noises resounded the atmosphere. Piercing bullets spiraled around and the still silence turned into blaring sounds of tears. They try to hurt somebody but they're hurting themselves. The wound seemed so evident but no white flag appeared in sight. Seeking answers and truth, but nobody is doing it right. The moon witnessed the blazing gun and outpouring of blood, when the only thing that was supposed to be shed was their ego.

The aftermath is the hardest part. You look around and realized what was lost. How much pain it cost. You win some, you'll lose some. The question now is, "Was it worth it? Was it all worth it?" Just how much you've lost in a matter of one night? You start questioning what was the reason of all the mayhem and realized it wasn't as important as the result that had followed. The undeniable truth is how hard it is to pick up the pieces again. Collecting what is left of the rubble and making them worth something. Making something out of nothing. It may seem useless. But you should never give up hope. There still is hope.

The dawn is at sight. The night is over. The war is over.

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We're (L)Over

You win some, you'll lose some. Happy endings are just a matter of fairytale, too good to be true to ever happen or come true. Isn't it ironic? How you picture relationships to be all rainbows, butterflies, but when you crash and burn, you realize that there's so much to learn.

Sometimes love is like a poem. You can't really understand unless you're the writer of the poem itself. You might get the idea or understand the point, but you can never get the complete picture unless you underwent the whole process. People see the good in love but they never witnessed the bad. That's why everybody knows... But nobody really knows.

If you push me away, I will drift apart,
If you stop me now, I won't even start,
If you don't hold back, I will try to let go,
If you say you care , why can't you let it show,
If you push the envelope, I will burst into tears,
If you press the wrong buttons, you'll regret it for years,
If you won't change your ways, I'm not going to argue,
If you hate me now, I always will love you.

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Beauty Of Not Knowing

I went out of bed with my pair of socks on. It has always been my habit since... I can't quite remember when, maybe not less than the 3rd grade. I brought my blanket with me, carrying it on my hips as if it was the train on a wedding dress. Then it popped inside my head. Has it always been my dream, though? To get married? Being legally confined with a person and trying to give my whole life and devotion? I guess I have always had something else in mind when it comes to marriage. The cause and effect of my parents' divorce, you might ask? Maybe. Maybe ever since I was little I have never had the perfect picture of two different genders living together in harmony and that's why that is not what I had in mind.

Different. It's always been different. People meet me and they assume I live some normal life, that is until they get to know me and it's always the same thought, "Wow. I never would have thought you could have gone through that much. And at the age of 19? You've experienced what others would take a lifetime to learn, and you learned it before you even reached half the lifetime of a normal person." Normal. As if I have lived one normal day in my life. Everyone has a pattern, right? Growing up, college, marriage, death. Mine? I'm not sure if I have one. If everyone's life was a form of art, you could say mine is the abstract creation.

Life has been anything but certain. On the bright side, though, it's never out of balance. Take my love life, for example. Every heartbreaks made me stronger and a little bit smarter than I was before. 'Cause when I fall, I try not to give my all, so I got nothing to lose as a whole. Although sometimes I thought about what will happen if we've never met, if I wouldn't have taken the chances, what if, what if. But you know what, living based on what ifs won't get you far. What ifs are endless.

Sometimes I thought to myself that it's better if I don't know. Little children are the happiest because they don't know a thing or two about life. They live a life of innocence, a happy life free from all worries. But when you know, you'll learn. You learn that life is an adventure. The beautiful thing about living life of an adventure? It comes back to the fact that I don't know what will happen next. The beauty in believing that even when it all gets rough and the situation is tough, what counts is the courage to make it through. So keep pushing through.



keep the faith
xoxox

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Break A Leg!

Just like how any good journalism strategy works in the media biz, the headline of the story caught my eye. “I Want to Punch Adele in the Face!" did not only grab my attention, but to see this coming out from a diva that was no stranger in the Billboard charts and the Grammy awards, I got myself questioning: "What could possibly be her issue with Adele? Could this be another catfight in the music industry?" I put an end to the wondering in my mind and so I decided to investigate a little further.

Her story is one of those 'rags to riches' kind among the La La Land clan. She is in preparation of a new album, and when you hear her on the radio, you can definitely pinpoint her powerful vocal pipes. Admitting that her biggest hit worldwide is ‘Because of You' and even admitting that when you hear it you may as well grab a knife because it was the most depressing song ever written.

As any girl who has had her heart broken, I think all girls would agree that the song that recently became the "Depression Anthem" or as I call it-- the suicidal song, is Adele's hit single, Someone Like You. “I want to punch Adele in the face! She is just too good," admitted Kelly in one of her recent interview on The Guardian. There is no doubt that Adele's existence all over the radio and other media like YouTube is popularly sought after. Safe to say that Adele is laughing all the way to the bank while she got Kelly a run for her money. But can you picture both of them collaborating on another gloomy song to add to the "Depression Anthem" playlist? No question; the answer to that would be a heeeeeck yes.

When it comes to winning the first and inaugural season of Idol, I thought of Kelly Clarkson as the "lab rat" of the show, since it was just coming out, had no idea of the success she would achieve in the years to come, but boy, I was proven wrong. "My goal was just to be a backup singer — I never intended to be in front." I can definitely relate to Kelly's side of the story. She even auditioned without any thoughts in mind that she'd bring home the grand prize, or even thought it would mean anything to her. All she knew is that her apartment burned down and she had to move.

Talented, outspoken and down-to-earth. Now, that's my kinda girl.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Love Is Tragic, Love Is Magic

Recent Song On Play: Thinking Of You- Katy Perry

Judging by the poetic view of the title, you might think this will be a deep one, but no. This is just another blab I will be doing on another random and strictly ordinary post. We have a place where we can pour our hearts out and not really think twice 'bout it, don't we? Or maybe a person? Someone you can turn to when all gets dark and you don't have the strength to go on? Does a name or a face surprisingly pop in your mind?

Love might seem futile, makes you feel fragile. It knows no place, nor does it know time. It just happens, so grand and sublime.

...Uh, Earth to self, I thought this wasn't suppose to be deep?

Excuse my thoughts. I might be a little out of place, so to speak. Yet, love is a lot like what just happened. You can't really plan it. You can't really hold it back. You can't really predict it. But when it hits you, it hits you so very hard. But when it goes wrong, you feel lost. Almost forgotten why you even took that path in the first place.

I have this friend of mine who is a decent and an extremely kindhearted person. She's nice, very outgoing; passionate about things she does. Fell in love, but had to deal with one of the hardest obstacles in relationships-- distance. For education purposes, he had to leave abroad. She waited patiently. In fact, she had so much faith in their relationship. All is well until the long-awaited boyfriend returns after three years. He broke the news. She broke down to tears.

He returned to tell her that he's getting married with someone else from the place where he has been. What's even worse is that he told her that he's having his first child. Honestly, I, as frail as I can be, would honestly be crumbling into pieces right at that same moment as I hear those words come striking down on me. That experience brought a new meaning to relationships to this friend of mine. She became a little traumatic, but now has found love and gained trust to try falling in it again.

Another friend of mine-- a little more rebellious than the first one-- has trouble settling down. But finally, after a couple of broken hearts and maybe a few wrong turns, she settled with this one guy. The guy had issues from previous relationships too and also have a few things in common; such as trouble with settling down. I asked my friend what kept her going, for almost 8 years, didn't she had trouble with making it work in her previous relationships? What changed her? She said, "Nothing changed really." I was a little puzzled. "I just finally got it," she continued. They ended up at the altar, even now I just knew that a baby is coming her way!

A new understanding dawned on me. It's not all about the physical contacts or sweet poems your partner is obligated to do. Not the amount of flowers, or the ongoing logs of phone calls that you have. Not about how many guys do you have to forget or hanging pictures you get rid of. The thing is, love is something divine. Most of us don't get it. We often times question why we get our hearts broken, or even got introduced to all the jerks and heart breakers in our lives. Just remember this: God created enough happy endings for all of us.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Don't You Get It?

Recent Song On Play: The Last Goodbye- James Morrison

Yes, I am jealous. I get jealous too. I hate to admit that maybe I'm just a girl, what can I say? I make ridiculous scenarios in my mind that I'm not supposed to. No, it's not okay sometimes even when I say that it is. I know it's something simple that I complicate, but I get insecure too. A little concern of what might or could happen. I don't like competition, there I said it. Not when I'm not around. I compare myself to other girls, which make the thoughts worse. Jealousy is my bruised ego talking. I just feel like I have to win your heart over and over... And I hate to feel that way, 'cause I feel that maybe someday I might lose you to someone else. Yes, all this revolves around thinking that I might lose you, which means I don't want to, you idiot. Don't you get it? Maybe I just want to be your choice all the time, even when other options came around. You know, I wanna be that girl you fall for... When everyone else is falling for you.

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"Regrets and mistakes, they were memories made..."

The moon shimmered through my window as the lights have dimmed 'cause of the late hours. I sunk myself into the deep pile of blanket and lay my head on my pillow, but my eyes can't seem to compromise and shut themselves; for the brain had so many things to think about. I've read before that the most effective time to think about things is just right before we go to sleep. No wonder I remember most of the things that I forgot a few hours ago when I was just half asleep. A mix of emotions and flustered mind didn't make it easier for me to rest and call it a day. The atmosphere was perfect to reflect on things before I end the night, safe to say that the weather and timing was just right.

"It's almost New Year's again. How far have I gone this year? What about next year," I thought to myself. If there's one thing I learned in October- is to be a lot more attentive and a little less careless or disorganized like the same old unguarded girl I've always been. Girl. I wonder if I really ever was a female. Funny how I realized how much things have changed, but when I look at it all again, everything is pretty much the same.

Wake up calls can come from anywhere, but one of the recent knock-on-the-head I've had is from a new gadget. I planned to give protection to it but since I procrastinate in doing so, even in less than 2 weeks, the scratches that result on the unprotected back of the gadget just showed me how impetuous I can become sometimes. When I asked for help to a professional to give it protection, she commented, "You just had it less than a month and this is how it turned out already?" Yes, I know. Don't have to rub it all in again. And also... My phone. I guess I've always been notorious for being incautious in keeping my stuffs. I spilt liquid on it, gave it quite a few bungee jumps and even got close to losing it a couple of times.

But I learned. I took it as a learning experience. That to be a better person, I can't be this negligent for the rest of my life. I thought that as long as it doesn't do nobody any harm, I'm doing it right. But I'm not doing a favor to myself. How can I take care of other things, let alone other human beings, if I don't really care about myself? I have to consider about other things also, especially if I'd want to share half of my daily life with another flawed being too.

I guess it's not how much we have changed in the past year, but the change itself is the thing that made it important. Change to become better. The smallest change to me is significant, one change can mean a lot, can take a toll in one's life. But baby steps are always better than no steps at all. That's just how human beings are, we have to make mistakes to realize just how much is lost and how wrong we've gone... But in the end, no regrets.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Why You Suck

Getting to know someone sucks. It's like going back to base one, but deep down you wish you could have hit a homerun. Isn't it annoying, how you let your guard down, tell them everything you swore yourself you'll never tell anyone, but yet you still give it a try. You don't only give them a piece of your life, but as time passes by, you give them a piece of your heart. Once they have access to your heart, they gain instant permission to break it into a million pieces. Though you tried staying away, you can't just runaway. When you know the ugly and undeniable truth, you still make exceptions. Even after the things you've went through before, we tend to think the same, "This one could make the change."

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Cataleya: You have 50 seconds. Enough for three questions.
Danny: What's your real name?
Cataleya: Cataleya.
Danny: Like the flower?
Cataleya: Yes.
Danny: Will my little bird ever come back?
Cataleya: I don't know... We'll have to see.

Silence.

Cataleya: Twenty seconds. Last question.
Danny: I love you.

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Synchronize

Recent Song On Play: All We Ever Needed- Rush Of Fools

Everything is always easier said than done. We can have all the right theories in our brain but if we have no idea how to execute it then it's pretty much useless. What's hard is when you know how to do it, you're equipped with knowing how to do all this things, but you seem pretty helpless with all the information.

The funny thing is, if we try too hard, we will most likely fail at the attempt. I learned these days that when I try too hard not to fail, I mess everything up. I get too caught up into thinking not to fail, but I actually let my guard down into doing what really matters and get carried away. I failed anyway.

I really can't deny it, I am who I am. I'm not that smooth type of girl. I run into things, I trip, I spill food. I say stupid things... I really don't have it all together. I'm like most girls, I hate failing. But what I hate more than failing is not having the courage to even try. Taking chances. It's true, though. Maybe that's what we all need to do. We don't need to see the whole staircase. Sometimes all we need to do is take the first step.



keep the faith
xoxox

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Everybody Knows, But Nobody Really Knows

Recent Song On Play: Everybody Knows- John Legend

These tiny little square-like figures on my keyboard felt a little harder than it used to on the tip of my fingers since I haven't blogged in a while. If this was a book I might have to sweep the dust off of the cover for it has been a while since the last time I really sit down and find the time to blog. I miss all the pouring it all out on my blog session. Forgive me if I have been slacking off the blog world.

But I'm back! Might not be the best blogger that ever lived but I guess now I feel better than ever. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? Nobody does. Never in my whole life have I thought that I would be where I'm standing now. Then again, who has the privilege to know what's ahead of them? Nobody ever knows. Come to think of it, we'll never know what the next second will turn out to be. I don't know... There's a lot of things that I don't know.

I don't know where I'll be in 10, 20 or 40 years. I don't know who I will become. I don't know who I'll meet and what I'll feel for them. I don't know who I will end up with and share half of my life. I don't know if I will be hurt, betrayed or cheated again. I don't know. But I know one thing for now. I know that I am in love. And I will always be in love, no matter how much I try living without it. I know that I'll try to love a person from today and for the rest of my life, even when forever is a lie, but deep down I always try.



keep the faith
xoxox
(MAN, I MISS SAYING THAT!)

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Someone Like You

Recent Song On Play: Wonderwall (Acoustic)- Oasis

This serenity, the hope and tranquility you've given me,
Just by seeing you, lay so peacefully next to me,
Will you run with me for a while? Forget the world and just sit down with a smile?

Wear it on your face, leave me bits of trace,
Let me chase you, let me be right behind,
By the noon we'll be strolling hand in hand, let the rays of sunlight blind us,
Isn't it beautiful?
This beats the heck out of any prize or jewel,
The only goodbye is the gentle peck before we end the night,
Oh, future lover, will you be everything I had hoped you will be?
For I will love you from time to time. Who you were, who you are and who you will become.

P.S. I have so many things I want to blog about, but the internet connection's just too slow to catch up with the upcoming posts I have in line. Oh, dear ol' internet connection, why can't you compromise and just make my cyberlife a little more at ease?

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Dear Fragile Heart

Remember how we did it? Remember how we got all through this years? Yes, yes. That's the spirit. Never get too attached and don't fall in love. He will give up on you at one point or another, leave you for someone else, or intentionally-- but he probably would say he unintentionally-- hurt you. Whichever comes first. Don't fall for the traps now. He might look into your eyes and try to convince you that he's different, but so help me God, he will just prove himself that he's the same. Do you really wanna go through it over and over? The tears or the hurt or the endless nights you spend crying in pain? No, right? There, there. It's all lies-- how people are meant to be together, everything will work out fine or love will find a way. You've had your fair share of hurt, now don't let those ridiculous quotes get to you.
Come on, now. I just got myself together, just to be broken to bits right after?

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I can't take it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm indestructible. The girl who never flinches. The girl who always has a smile on her face. The girl that's gone through so much yet doesn't have one scar and I'm tired of it. I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me. I want people to understand how hard it is to be me and to have to deal with all this crap and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. Why is it that everyone else can just fall apart but I have to be the one to keep it together?

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Formspring

"hello nad kok kyanya kamu sukanya nulis post yg sedih2 ya? apa kamu terus2an sedih sih soal cinta? n gak ada tempat buat nuangin isi hatimu slaen post di blogspot"

Hello. Thank you for your concern. And I'm sorry if my posts have been rather depressing lately. If you are one of my readers then you probably know that I don't only write about sad topics, but also other life-related topics, too. Either way, this is just a way of my escape. No, there is no other outlet, for this is my only place that I can burst out, climb up or break down without sounding like a lunatic. Again, reading my posts is your choice, I've never dragged you into doing it. Popularity was never the aim of my writings, I just write for the sake of wanting to write and that I know that I'm able to write. If you have anything against it or anything I've written here, I'd be more than happy for you to stop reading and just leave me be.

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Happy For Being Happy

Recent Song On Play: Be Be Your Love- Rachael Yamagata

Happiness, in my life, is something valuable. It's not something that I get to live through or experience everyday. It is something so rare; that I have to earn, for it was never given. I can easily say that happiness is underrated that a lot of people took it for granted. I hate drama, God only knows how much I want my life to be drama-free. The longing to be happy without having guilt to tail me along. Happiness is having your favorite book between the piles of your other favored ones. Happiness is that moment before you sleep and you're reminded of something beautiful- a compliment, an advice, or a person. Happiness is going through a hectic day and you see your phone and realizing someone misses you. Happiness is being able to eat your favorite food. Happiness is how the air smells after it rained. Happiness is someone believing in your dreams. Happiness is knowing you're not alone, even when you're lonely. Happiness is eating cereal right out of the box. Happiness is your favorite song playing on the radio. Happiness is listening to jazz. Happiness, contrary to belief, is a choice. It's not something you find in things or places or people, it is located inside of us. So go there, be there, stay there. And after all, at the end of the day, each and every one of us only wants to be happy.

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Under The Weather

Wondering what would it be like if there's only one weather all around the world, all the year around. Me, personally, I would choose the mildly humid weather. Not too hot, but not too cold. Where the sun rays would hit without burning our skin because there's still generous amount of wind blowing to cool off the heat. But the weather somehow resembles everyone's life cycle, doesn't it? There's the cold days, the days where everything wither and fall apart, then the days where everything starts to bloom again. Then comes a day where everything start to tremble again. I realized that the bad weather only teaches us to appreciate the good weather. So don't worry if it's too cold, the sun will be shining.

Yes, it will... Any minute now:')

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Life-Long Dream

Take cooking lessons
Take psychology as a minor
Publish book(s)
Learn all I need to know about broadcasting... For real this time
Live alone in an apartment
Be happy
Have a pet dog
Land a magazine cover
Travel to a city in each continent, two places minimum
Watch Buble or Bennett live... Or both at the same stage (GASP!)
Buy a hybrid
Be a whole vegetarian
Celebrate New Year's in Times Square
Find love among the broken and scattered memories
Waking up to Ibiza's sunrise
Vespa-ing along the streets of Italy
Jog in Central Park at 5 a.m.
Not worry

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Guys are jerks. If you argue with him, you're hard headed. If you're quiet, you don't care. If you call him, you're too clingy. If he calls you, he says you should be happy. If you don't love him, he'll try to win you over. If you do love him, he leaves. If you don't have sex with him, you're a tease. If you do, you're easy. If you cheat on him, he breaks it off because he had no other choice. If he cheats, he wants another chance.

I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then being disappointed again.

I hate it when people say that I've changed, maybe I've just stopped faking happiness. You can't break a girl whose already broken, you can't hurt a girl whose already dead inside.

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Recent Song On Play: Parallel Lines- Kings Of Convenience

You know what the best part is?
Every little thing, every item, every hopes, every dream,
I got it and did it all by myself.
I realized that I'm capable. Deep down I am able.
Even when I tried running away, they kept chasing me back,
Keeps me back on track.
I know I won't be alone, somehow I knew I would make it through.
Even when times get rough and the clouds turn grey,
I know it'll be okay at the end of the day.

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Journal To Survival #3- The Haunting Questions

Recent Song On Play: Sway- Susan Wong

It's hard enough to make it on your own without having to include other people in the drama you don't wish to be in. But honestly, whether we like it or not, the cold hard truth is that we live with other people in this world, so there's a huge chance that they'll be a part of your relationship, even when you're unaware of it. On this segment of the week, I'm about to talk about something that might also be a pretty hard challenge for us to get over.

The haunting questions of why, how and who ended it. Of course we tell stuffs to our family, to our friends and others about our relationship with someone. There might even be people that have been there from the start and those who have been through the progress ever since. Even know the slightest detail about the relationship, the people you turn to when the times get hard, before you call it quits, of course. The hard part might not only be explaining over and over about what happened, but maybe the judgment that came alongside the explanation beforehand. One of the tough challenges is that when our family and friends have found so much comfort with the person we're associated with. It just gets worse when they find the separation unfortunate, somehow you're just reminded with the pain over and over again. It will be easier if you would just explain what really happened and that you're over it. You don't regret it, you're just over the mourning part. Tell them that you are, even when deep down that you don't. I think of it as an act of faith.

When you have many mutual friends with your ex-partner, it doesn't make the forgetting bit any easier. Sometimes you're tempted to ask how the person's doing now, if there's someone new, or if he/she still asks or talks about you. It's not going to be easy, especially when you wish it could have ended up differently.

The thing is, remember to always stay calm at the inescapable questions that will be coming your way. Just don't think what other people will have to say about it, it's you who went through the crazy ups and downs of a relationship. People may have control over things you do, but they may never have control over the things that you feel. It might be something that you second guess of, but the separation happened anyway and there's nothing you can do about it, neither can the people around you.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Letting Go

Recent Song On Play: Gravity- Sara Bareilles

DM on Twitter won't fit so I guess this is a much easier option for me. I'm setting you free now. No matter how hard it is for me to do so, but thank you for letting me go. This time, after all the things you said, I really think it's for the best, you'll probably thank me in the long run. We got so many people fooled with the act that we tried to pull off that we're really over when we never really were... But I guess this one's for real. I know if we keep on doing this, if I keep on trying to save it, I will be such a burden for you to find another. I'm letting you go because you're going to find someone better, trust me. I know someday I might regret this, and by the time I realize that, I know you'll be happy, with someone who can sincerely, truly and genuinely make you happy. I've seen it coming to an end a couple of times before... And I know it's going to be hard, knowing how deep I've thoroughly fallen for you. I'm not going to cause any trouble for you anymore, knowing that you've mentioned you're much happier when you work alone. Back then you even admitted it was your best radio show after we fought. For God's sake, we just fought, darn it. How can you Tweeted that it was the best radio show that you did. You know me so well that as a writer, words have the ultimate power to hurt me. I was crying, you were laughing. You said you're happier when you're with me, but obviously everything you've shown me, the actions towards me only prove that you're happier without me. We kept on silently hurting each other. Enough is enough I guess. It's like the thread is hanging... When you see a thread hanging off your t-shirt, what do you do with it? You cut it off. I know the first few months will be hard, but I know it won't be long before you find another. I'm sorry if I can never be good enough for you, I'm not perfect, you'll find the perfect one for you. What is hard is that I'm not only going to lose a lover, but I'll lose my best friend. I'm okay with people thinking it's me who have the issues, and that I'm so cruel for hanging you all this time, I don't need to prove anything to anyone, but here's to let you know that I really do want to make it official, and that we were just waiting for the right date to make it official. So here's my farewell gift to you, go to 80DaysToForever.tumblr.com/page/11, it will explain everything, and the link will direct you to the first page ever since I made it. Oh, you'll be needing a password, the password is the date on which we plan to make it official. All numbers, 8 numbers total. You'll get it, just like everything else you do in your life, you'll figure it out. And I don't usually say this, but you know me well enough that I mean it... I love you. I'm doing this so you'll find someone better, much better than me, by then I hope she makes you happy. I'm not asking you to remember me, I know you well enough that you have the ability to forget easily, take it to your advantage, I just want a fragment of our memory for you to keep, like Nirvana, a place of our escape, or how smooth Valentine went, or those little serendipity moments like when we accidentally raised our hands together when we're watching Sondre Lerche at Java Jazz, those things you can't get back no matter how much you want to, or how much you wish you'd have someone else you want to share it with. Can't wait until I see it all happening, until I see all your dreams come true. Thank you for such an amazing 10 months, we never were official, but I had the time of my life.

Often times we say goodbye to the one we love without wanting to but that doesn't mean we stop loving them. Sometimes goodbye is just a painful way of saying I love you.
I'll say it again for you, I really do, love you.

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Hello, October!

Fact:
The best pictures are taken when you're just straight out of bed.
Well at least, you can see how you look without any kind of grooming.



October To-Do List:

1. Take off braces.

2. Grow taller.

3. Get enough sleep.

4. Lose weight.

5. More and more and more work.

6. Grow hair.

7. Cut hair.

8. BLOG!

9. Save more money.

10. Spend!

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In The Name Of Love

Recent Song On Play: Rocketeer (Demo Version)- Far East Movement ft. Bruno Mars

What I will be writing about on this post might come across as a sensitive topic, feel free to speak up your mind and cast an opinion, but this is just what I think about it, so I don't force you to take everything too seriously, this is just something from my point of view.

If you have a bag of pebbles with you, will you give it away for free? Sure you will. Pebbles can be found everywhere, even better, anywhere at all. On the pavements, outside the house, it is definitely something that is not a considerable value, of course when you give one out, you have nothing to lose. You can always find another. But what if you're gifted with just one diamond inside a pouch? Of course you wouldn't just give it to anyone, will you? You know the price, the amount of importance it carries. Same goes with virginity. A lot of people take it as if it's not a big deal, they do what they please with it, as if it means nothing.

Take this Brazilian beauty for example, who is big on the runway and not a stranger to magazine covers. She is known for taking Bible to read while getting ready for fashion shows, and never even miss church on Sunday. "Sex is for after marriage," she admitted. "They [men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me," explaining to GQ that she remains a virgin until marriage. Runway, magazine covers... It's no secret that she must be a model. But not just any model, she's Victoria's Secret royalty, Mrs. Adriana Lima, of course. Who the heck is Adriana Lima? Question no more...



Just because she doesn't want sex before marriage, doesn't mean she can't tempt those guys to wanna lay their hands on her :p Just kidding, to me she's just being professional as a model. But still, moral and values are held close to her heart.
"I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand"


Other celebs opening up about their opinion on staying a virgin until marriage are Gary Coleman, Tina Fey, Nick Jonas:3:3:3 (Love of My Life, literally speaking) and Friends' Lisa Kudrow. "It’ll happen when it’ll happen,” said Gary Coleman, “And it’ll happen for all the right reasons. And no one is going to make it happen any sooner."

30 Rock’s greatest, Tina Fey, who is also a writer for Lindsay Lohan's chick flick, Mean Girls, had remained a virgin until she met her husband Jeff Richmond when she was 25. Tina and Jeff had been dating for seven years before they got married in 2001. Now the couple are proud parents to an adorable daughter and later on were gifted with their second child.
Nick Jonas seemed to be the only Jonas Brother who has this purity ring going on these days. Since brother Kevin is married and other brother Joe reportedly bring the ring to rest after spotted with that other Twilight beauty, Ashley Greene. Nick admitted that this purity ring is a symbol, "Promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure 'til marriage."

Marry me, please, please, please...
...what do you mean desperate? Who's sounding desperate?

Lisa Kudrow lost virginity at the age of 31 when she married her now husband Michael Stern. "I was very uptight and really nervous about my sexuality,” Kudrow admitted and continued on her opinion about it, “My virginity was something I had decided was very precious to give away. It was an honor-- I was bestowing on a young man and he had to be worthy of it.”

Yes, for some people, it might not be something with great value. But to me, since you can only use it once, virginity is best given to someone that is also the one person you will spend the rest of your life with. If someone asked you for sex in the name of love, then they're lying. If they really do love you, they'll do it after they vowed that you're going to be the only person he/she is going to do it with. Give the 'diamond' as a present for your future husband or wife since it can't be found any place else and that it is priceless. Do it in the name of love, real love. So save the best for last. Why rush to sex? You got plenty of time to do so after you're married.




keep the faith
xoxox

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Video Blog #1: Unscripted

video


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I didn't remember being this miserable all the time. Thinking it will work out at the end, but why does it take a lot of arguments? Was it my fault? Or was I too blind to see the signs? Sure I see them, but I ignore it most of the time. I remember the last time I fell in love, it felt amazing. So why do I feel disconnected this time? I thought it was going to be effortless, everything will work its way out... But no, it doesn't work that way. I don't remember hurting so much. Something just doesn't feel right.

:'[

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Journal To Survival #2- The 'C' Word

Recent Song On Play: Love Love Love- Hope feat. Jason Mraz

Yes, it's that time of the week again. We have come to our second lesson in our journey to moving on. Oh, trust me... You don't have to experience a broken heart to hate this one. My friend, I believe it is something we deal every day, whether we like it or not. It is both a blessing and a curse. It will happen whether you've been good or bad. But on the contrary, it will happen even when we pray our blood cells out that it won't happen to us.

Changes. I've warned you, we surely dread this one. From deleting pictures off our phones, text messages, every memory they left behind. It may appear to be a simple matter, but so help me God... It is a tough one. People easily advise us to just throw away whatever things that might make it harder, but the thing is, those things are a reminder that you were very happy once. With someone you dearly love. But yes of course, to make things easier, you have to get it over with, it will be less painful in time.

Especially with not seeing them as often as you used to. Something that is a monthly, weekly, or even daily basis. When you share routines with them, it gets even harder to remove it out of your system. Erasing a habit is as hard as creating one. All you need to do is just keep doing it, over and over, until you're used to it. That is why we never stopped loving someone, we just learn to live without them.

Sometimes you deny the fact that he's gone from your life, wishing that he would magically appear on your mobile phone, or say 'Hi' on BBM, but no... He won't. Get yourself some reality check and see that things have definitely changed. See the beauty of changes, it makes you a better person. Someone stronger, a lot more independent.

Now you have time to do things that you might haven't had time for. Maybe your interests might come back and even grow, now that you don't spend too much time worrying about love. Don't give up just yet. There's still hope somewhere. The only way love will find you is when you stop looking. Get used to changes, it might take you to a place you have never imagined. Trust me, I've been there.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Keys To Loving

Deal with the wrong guys, get your heart broken, how else are you going to know if someone's right for you?
If he was to lose you, remember that he's giving up on someone amazing. Know your worth, love yourself. Don't sell yourself short.
Fall in love, fall out of love, forget the rules for a moment, this game has none.
Use your brain, crash even harder. Think it will last, think it will fall apart, embrace every little thing coming your way.
Listen to love songs, sing to them, remember why it all happened, how it all happened.
Don't forget; those things-- good or bad-- make you this way, the person you are right now.
Remember that someone loves you, a friend, a family member, you are someone important to another.
Take risks, deal with the consequences, see if it's all worth it at the end.
You'll never know unless you try.

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If I let you in, you'd just want out.
If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie.
If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up.
If you follow me, you will only get lost.
If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch.
Yes you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.

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All Is Well

Recent Song On Play: What Goes Around... Comes Around- Justin Timberlake

Life is a little confusing. Sometimes I wonder if God really do take care of me, it is something us human do, being doubtful in times of trouble. In times of need, sometimes we opted for a much easier choice just because we're growing weary. But after I saw the bigger picture, I finally came to my senses that it is for the better. Recently, I was offered a job from someone that once had an experience of hiring me as a presenter, but my heart's not entirely in it, because the client wanted me to wear an outfit that is a little "appealing." Not provocative, just a little more engaging than what I used to wear. Some people even think it's normal and okay for an entertainer, but I just wasn't into the whole thing. So I kindly rejected the offer, a little uncertain in the back of my mind, thinking that I might just be regretful afterwards, but I just won't do something just because it produces good money. So a little while after it, someone also offered another job which even made better income and a much more respectful client, he gave me the liberty to wear anything I feel like wearing and he'll take care of it. The job was a breeze and the client felt satisfied with how I did, even wanted to do a lot more in the future. I was just... Amazed and stunned. I was given something that I didn't think about before. Even better than I thought in the first place. Another story that is pretty interesting is that there's recently a job that I was given to, but my friend said she wanted to take the job that I was offered to. So I asked the client if it was okay if my friend takes my slot and the client was nice enough to let her take it. And not long after that, someone actually offered me another job early October and I was thankful that even when I gave someone my right, I was given something better as a prize, even when I didn't see this coming. But my friend canceled last minute, so I still got to do both things, which is... Just out of my surprise. Note that I'm writing all this without the desire to brag. I just want to tell you that everything is going to be okay in the end. And someone like me needs to be reminded all the time, I worry a lot, things like this teaches me that I need to "surrender." And believe... That all is well.
Yes, all is well.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Love Is Something Divine

Love is something divine. Love is about looking at someone, and your heart has a slightly different feeling compared to anybody else in the Universe. It's about wanting one person; and one person only. That is why people get married at the end. For others who sleep around and don't settle down, they live the most lonely life. They don't know love. Love is not something you see in the movies, it's about something you experience. It beats to the rhythm of compassion. It makes you happy, even when tests and trials come around. Love is so precious and rare that you don't just get it anywhere, it needs to be found. So when you found love, hold onto it. It might not come around twice. Most of the time, they don't. People who satisfy their lust will never have enough. They'd search for other qualities they don't find in their partner, for they don't feel complete. It's not their partner's fault, it's his own fault. It's his job and duty to complete the other. Imperfection is perfect, that is why love has its ups and downs. Love is sacred, that is why only two people are responsible to make the oath to each other, not three or four. Relationships need one person to direct the boat and the other to steer it, if there are many people involved, there's a big possibility that the ship might sink. Love is a great amount of sacrifice. It is tightly bonded with loyalty, trust and forgiveness. True love gives, but never expect. Love is what give life its true meaning. Love is what makes life worth living. Love is something worth dying for.


...and yes, this is an original. No need to ask me on Formspring.

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Take A Stand

Recent Song On Play: I Don't Trust Myself With Loving You- John Mayer

I still don't get how my brain works. Most of the time, it works beyond my will and power, so it has the power to scare me every once in a while. Or every time something is just out of my ordinary system, I become paranoid of my own thoughts, I'm even afraid that someone is able to read my thoughts. I guess I'm a dreamer. But hey, that is one of the things that kept me going all these years.

Just like how I stay unattached. I completely acknowledge the single life. It's somewhat liberating. You don't have to waste time wondering where someone is, what this person is doing, realizing how much he's occupying your thoughts at any given moment. You're safe and sound; from heartbreaks, from jealousy, from all kinds of worry and drama. If your choice in life-- at one point or another-- is marriage, then you'll be just fine. You'll spend half of your life with someone you get to annoy for the rest of your life, why rush to that point at this early days of your youth? Aren't you more interested in chasing your dreams, making lots of friends and making your parents proud of you?

We're all a little afraid inside, aren't we? A little afraid of falling in love, a little afraid of failing, of losing, of goodbyes, of being betrayed or heartbroken. Every passing year, we shake the hands of people who just came into our lives, pretty much equal to the waves of goodbye we gave to the people that left. Abroad, or maybe never returning. Ever again.

I miss this... I miss writing. Just being outspoken about what's on my mind. I forgot how vulnerable I become when I write. Life for me, has always take its unexpected turns. It's a surprise every time. So when people complain about how dull and boring their lives are, I'm slightly annoyed how unexpected mine is, even sometimes wonder how is it like to live a very patterned, routine-oriented life people live. Not that I'm complaining, though. I'm grateful. For very supportive people in my life, no matter what or how I do in life.

I'm just like each and every one of you, trying to figure out all the broken puzzle in life. At times things fit perfectly, other times it's scattered all around the floor. But however it might end up or how big the result would be, I believe it's going to make a very beautiful picture.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Journal To Survival #1- Realization

Recent Song On Play: My Boo- Usher feat. Alicia Keys

The hardest part about losing something is this: Realizing that it is lost. Sometimes it takes a little more time to cope with loss. Acceptance. Realizing that life goes on. You begin to wonder what your life would be without them from that moment onwards. They have become so much of a part of you that when they left, you lost a part of you too. Especially if you've found so much comfort in them.

Just realize that it's over. Realize that you're not going to see them as often as you used to. Realize that everything will change. Realize that you're on your own. Realize that you need to get yourself back together.

It will take a while to heal. I'm not even going to lie and say that it will be a piece of cake, because it won't be a breeze. Somehow it makes you reckless. It begins to take a lot of your sleeping time. Your mind wanders to how it went wrong and you thought about what could have been.

Or there has always been signs all along, you were just too stupid or blind to see. Maybe as you would like to call it, too in love. Goodbye is an easy word to say from the lips, but a tough one to mean from the heart. Moving on is a long way to go, you need to accept the parting between you two first. This is where your heart needs to decide if you want to hold onto the memories or let go of the pain. When you know what you want, it won't be too hard to go on from there.

It's okay to break down into tears, you don't have to be the strong person all the time. Cry your heart out if you want to. It doesn't make everything okay again, but it does make you feel better. Don't bear it all inside, let it out. It's healthier that way. Imagine losing your favorite item in the whole world, something that is a part of your every day life. Must be pretty heart-breaking to know that it's not a part of your daily life anymore. It's even harder when you have to deal with losing your favorite person this whole time.

If you think it’s time to let go, then just let go. There’s no point in looking back to what you have already lost.

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Not Myself

Recent Song On Play: Shadow- Ashlee Simpson

Sorry for the lack of posts this month. Been such a busy month in so many ways. Both emotionally and physically draining every inch of me. Yet so many postponed thoughts I have been wanting to write here. My English is getting rusty and I need to write more. Please remind me that I need to get straight to business and not procrastinate. I miss writing, I'm not over-exaggerating, but it almost felt like I lost a little part of me when I don't write, and every time I don't write for some time, I need to warm up a little bit to get back on track, but I'm more than happy to be home. My apologies for the mellow posts for the past few days, too. Just haven't been... Feeling like myself. Funny how I hate changes; but as time goes by, it's these changes that happened gradually are the ones that I find are the ones to watch. I'm going to do a new set of posts, it's called the Journal to Survival. I guess it's just something I came up with in terms of dealing with heartbreaks. So, be sure to have a read on that... Well that is all from me now, I gotta run but I'll be back in no time... From the bottom of my heart, I do love all of you.

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Sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than to face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared, but when I act numb towards you, it doesn't mean I don't care. It means I care too much. But it's almost like you had it planned, you smiled at me and introduced yourself and said the right words at the right time, when really you should have said "I'm about to screw you over."

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Whenever people say, "Oh, I've heard a lot about you!" I'm always so surprised. I thought no one ever paid much attention to me-- or that I was ever in their mind enough to talk to other people about me. I've always just thought of myself as some kind of living ghost, you see.

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Frequently Asked Outrage

Too many wrong people ask the wrong questions at the wrong amount of time. They act as if they know everything. They are appallingly irritating, prying to know everything. They get a little carried away, when questions started becoming judgments.

It's not that I don't want to go to college, I want to, I just chose not to. When Dad left, I had no choice. The choice was chosen for me. I can spend my life, whining why I can't go to college, but no, I chose not to do so either. I'm not stupid for not going to college, I'm still here with my dreams, but sometimes when you love someone, particularly your Mother, the woman who gave you life straight from her vagina, and your brother, someone who once hit you with a guitar because he lost grip and conscious, you'll put their needs first before your own. So I put my dreams on hold (or even gave up on them?). I didn't study Psychology/Broadcasting/Journalism, the three things I've been wanting to do my whole life, so blog is my escape, Twitter is now, too.

It's not that I don't want a boyfriend, or I'm too picky, or I can't see the good in the guy that fell for me, I don't have high qualifications in terms of guys... I'm just lucky that God somehow showed who they really are before I made it official. If you say that being picky means I don't date jerks, then so be it, I'm waaay too picky.

You know nothing about my life. You don't know half the sh*t I deal with. You're not me, stop acting like you know every single detail about me.

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You don't have to believe me, but I believe in what I believe in, so I might as well believe that this is true. Click here to see what I'm talking about.

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There's something about the frailty of my emotions. How badly it hurts when words cut me deep and how broken my ego has become. Fragile with brittle ideas and not much left to care for. Mocked by bruised ambitions and painful reflections. Even smiling makes my face ache in the worst way possible. It hurts to feel anything. So I've chosen to feel nothing at all.

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Dear Parents...

It's pointless trying to make a point that I fully am up against with.

When we're simply stating a point, we're not trying to act smart, that's when we feel like we have to stand up for ourselves.

We grow up, we get to know things a little better, what you went through in the past is nothing like what we go through in the present.

We understand that you're just trying to protect us, but sometimes you're slightly over-doing it.

No, we don't need you to embarrass us any more than you did.

I'm not going to make the same mistakes that you did, I'm going to make my own mistakes.


The chains you put around us might put our body into confinement, but it only makes our soul run free.

We believe you, but sometimes we know ourselves better than you do.

Basically, we just hate having to argue with you.

We're pretty sure you've been a teenager before, but we're even more sure that we've never been an adult before, sometimes we just expect a little bit of an understanding.

When we're quiet, we hold back the things running in our mind that we fully know can hurt you, because deep down, we just truly love you.

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So Please Don't Stop The Rain...

Think about it. If we don't have any problems, we won't ever be able to tell which friend is true, which ones aren't. When it's raining, you'll know who to turn to for shelter, who will suddenly show up without any invitation in advance, or who will even more shockingly-- leave you in the rain. Problems can even bring you and your friends (or even family) closer. So it really is your pick, whether you want to bring out the best in you, or show the worst in you.

Not that I'm saying that it's good to always have problems, it's more like saying that maybe, just maybe, it's always meant to be imperfect. Like one of my favorite sayings that says, "If today would've been perfect, there wouldn't be any tomorrow." I've always thought that it's so devastating that a problem is not done, and another one is already on its way, but I realized that if life was perfect, it would've been boring, and I wouldn't be able to tell if someone's a real friend.

Life is simple, if someone is meant for you, they'll stick long enough with you 'til who knows when, but if they're not, they'll leave soon enough before we even realize they mean somebody to us. Losing someone is painful, but the way I see it, it's more like a blessing in disguise. You can't really spell the 'rainbow' without the 'rain.' So, keep your eyes focused on the rainbow at the end of the rain, no matter how heavy the rain is. Bigger and better things to come, people!



keep the faith
xoxox

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Home

Have you ever been surrounded by a group of people that you know but feel so distant from them, almost this lonely feeling? I know it kinda sounded like nonsense, but that can happen too sometimes. Especially if there's someone that you wish were present wasn't there. Many people mistaken the definition of a house and a home. A house is a building that is made up of several rooms, maybe a kitchen and all the furniture that came along with it. Whereas a home, is more than just something you can grasp with your own two hands, home is this secure feeling that is felt whenever you feel safe. Often times people feel home outside their own houses.

A man who is a passionate traveler has just arrived at one of those exotic destinations he has been longing to go to. He always brings his wife along his journey, trying to spend every given moment with his beloved other half. It has always been an adventure, his life to him was never a bore. This man has no trouble with making all the right friends whenever he arrived at a certain place, which helped him a lot whenever he is having a trip at some place. One day while he was bonding with the other natives where he's staying, he was enthusiastically talking about all the places he has traveled to, sharing what was all they need to know about the interesting people he met, the languages he quickly picked up, the sights he has never seen before in travel books and all the stories he has experienced firsthand, until one of the curious man that he's having conversations with asked him a question he has never been asked before. "Isn't it tiring though? Not having a permanent house? To have go here and there all the time, but no place where you can settle?" this man asked with curiosity clouding in his head. The traveler smiled. He gently replied, "Well, you have to know this... Because this kind of life was my choice. Of course those kind of thoughts came haunting me and I still don't know when will I stop living like this," he paused and looked to another direction. "But you see," this traveler continued while raising his glass and pointing towards his wife, "home is wherever she is."

Yes, to me home doesn't provide a roof or come with walls. A house does. Home is what you find in people that you love. A house is not a home because a home is where the heart resides.



keep the faith
xoxox

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(Not-So-Secret) Thoughts to Girls

1. We sometimes don't even understand what we want.
2. We think the worst out of everything.
3. We get emotional for no reason.
4. We wonder how much we mean to you.
5. We don't always mean what we say.
6. We get insecure every time we see someone better.
7. We fake smiles... A lot.
8. We regret the things we say afterwards most of the time.
9. We care a lot more than we probably should.
10. We trust you, far more than we trust ourselves.

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Speaks to Your Soul

Recent Song on Play: I Don't Trust Myself (Live Acoustic Version)- John Mayer
"Hold on to whatever you find, baby... Hold on to whatever will get you through...
I don't trust myself with loving you..."


Bob Marley once said, "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." Other than books, music has always been an alternative of my escape... I guess everyone does that too, don't they? It's not a secret anymore, we always find comfort in music. I don't know anyone who doesn't. Anyone who feels music is nothing special in this world must have been living a pretty miserable life.

Music tells it all. It is honesty. That is why people make music when they're happy, when they're angry, when they're lonely or even better-- when they're in love. That's why the only good thing out of heartbreaks is that they make good music. To me, music is a permanent marker that gives you the same effect every time you listen to it, especially if it describes how you feel at the moment. Music leaves this sort of mark, carving memories as you give it a listen. You can forget the lyrics to the song, but you can never forget how music once made you feel.

Call me Ms. Over-Exaggeration, but it does bring you to another place sometimes, doesn't it? Takes your imagination to a whole another level. Music allows you to teleport to the beach, sometimes it lets you to remember a specific scenery, or even to a special moment that you vividly remember in the back of your mind. The amazing thing about music is that it changes your mood drastically. Gives you a good feeling or it suddenly turns you blue. Music is pretty much like a book, everyone has a different point of view from what they think of it. Two people may hear the same song, but it can never have the same meaning to each individual.

I saw someone left a comment regarding John Mayer's song "Not Myself" yesterday. This woman admitted to having a break with her husband and when her husband texted her to listen to this song, she realized that she has to still love him as much as when he's being his ordinary self. She said she tried being there for him and even give the space he needed. This song saved her in a way, even thanking John at the end of this post. I guess an artist's success is measured not only by their ability in making good melody, but also when their music speaks to other people's soul. Something people can relate to.

Music is a lot like love. It is not always rainbows and butterflies, not always the kind that is good to hear, or harmony that brightens your day. But at the end of the day, it's the one thing that reminds you how good life really is.


keep the faith
xoxox

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