Everybody Knows, But Nobody Really Knows

Recent Song On Play: Everybody Knows- John Legend

These tiny little square-like figures on my keyboard felt a little harder than it used to on the tip of my fingers since I haven't blogged in a while. If this was a book I might have to sweep the dust off of the cover for it has been a while since the last time I really sit down and find the time to blog. I miss all the pouring it all out on my blog session. Forgive me if I have been slacking off the blog world.

But I'm back! Might not be the best blogger that ever lived but I guess now I feel better than ever. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? Nobody does. Never in my whole life have I thought that I would be where I'm standing now. Then again, who has the privilege to know what's ahead of them? Nobody ever knows. Come to think of it, we'll never know what the next second will turn out to be. I don't know... There's a lot of things that I don't know.

I don't know where I'll be in 10, 20 or 40 years. I don't know who I will become. I don't know who I'll meet and what I'll feel for them. I don't know who I will end up with and share half of my life. I don't know if I will be hurt, betrayed or cheated again. I don't know. But I know one thing for now. I know that I am in love. And I will always be in love, no matter how much I try living without it. I know that I'll try to love a person from today and for the rest of my life, even when forever is a lie, but deep down I always try.



keep the faith
xoxox
(MAN, I MISS SAYING THAT!)

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Someone Like You

Recent Song On Play: Wonderwall (Acoustic)- Oasis

This serenity, the hope and tranquility you've given me,
Just by seeing you, lay so peacefully next to me,
Will you run with me for a while? Forget the world and just sit down with a smile?

Wear it on your face, leave me bits of trace,
Let me chase you, let me be right behind,
By the noon we'll be strolling hand in hand, let the rays of sunlight blind us,
Isn't it beautiful?
This beats the heck out of any prize or jewel,
The only goodbye is the gentle peck before we end the night,
Oh, future lover, will you be everything I had hoped you will be?
For I will love you from time to time. Who you were, who you are and who you will become.

P.S. I have so many things I want to blog about, but the internet connection's just too slow to catch up with the upcoming posts I have in line. Oh, dear ol' internet connection, why can't you compromise and just make my cyberlife a little more at ease?

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Dear Fragile Heart

Remember how we did it? Remember how we got all through this years? Yes, yes. That's the spirit. Never get too attached and don't fall in love. He will give up on you at one point or another, leave you for someone else, or intentionally-- but he probably would say he unintentionally-- hurt you. Whichever comes first. Don't fall for the traps now. He might look into your eyes and try to convince you that he's different, but so help me God, he will just prove himself that he's the same. Do you really wanna go through it over and over? The tears or the hurt or the endless nights you spend crying in pain? No, right? There, there. It's all lies-- how people are meant to be together, everything will work out fine or love will find a way. You've had your fair share of hurt, now don't let those ridiculous quotes get to you.
Come on, now. I just got myself together, just to be broken to bits right after?

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I can't take it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm indestructible. The girl who never flinches. The girl who always has a smile on her face. The girl that's gone through so much yet doesn't have one scar and I'm tired of it. I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me. I want people to understand how hard it is to be me and to have to deal with all this crap and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. Why is it that everyone else can just fall apart but I have to be the one to keep it together?

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Formspring

"hello nad kok kyanya kamu sukanya nulis post yg sedih2 ya? apa kamu terus2an sedih sih soal cinta? n gak ada tempat buat nuangin isi hatimu slaen post di blogspot"

Hello. Thank you for your concern. And I'm sorry if my posts have been rather depressing lately. If you are one of my readers then you probably know that I don't only write about sad topics, but also other life-related topics, too. Either way, this is just a way of my escape. No, there is no other outlet, for this is my only place that I can burst out, climb up or break down without sounding like a lunatic. Again, reading my posts is your choice, I've never dragged you into doing it. Popularity was never the aim of my writings, I just write for the sake of wanting to write and that I know that I'm able to write. If you have anything against it or anything I've written here, I'd be more than happy for you to stop reading and just leave me be.

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Happy For Being Happy

Recent Song On Play: Be Be Your Love- Rachael Yamagata

Happiness, in my life, is something valuable. It's not something that I get to live through or experience everyday. It is something so rare; that I have to earn, for it was never given. I can easily say that happiness is underrated that a lot of people took it for granted. I hate drama, God only knows how much I want my life to be drama-free. The longing to be happy without having guilt to tail me along. Happiness is having your favorite book between the piles of your other favored ones. Happiness is that moment before you sleep and you're reminded of something beautiful- a compliment, an advice, or a person. Happiness is going through a hectic day and you see your phone and realizing someone misses you. Happiness is being able to eat your favorite food. Happiness is how the air smells after it rained. Happiness is someone believing in your dreams. Happiness is knowing you're not alone, even when you're lonely. Happiness is eating cereal right out of the box. Happiness is your favorite song playing on the radio. Happiness is listening to jazz. Happiness, contrary to belief, is a choice. It's not something you find in things or places or people, it is located inside of us. So go there, be there, stay there. And after all, at the end of the day, each and every one of us only wants to be happy.

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Under The Weather

Wondering what would it be like if there's only one weather all around the world, all the year around. Me, personally, I would choose the mildly humid weather. Not too hot, but not too cold. Where the sun rays would hit without burning our skin because there's still generous amount of wind blowing to cool off the heat. But the weather somehow resembles everyone's life cycle, doesn't it? There's the cold days, the days where everything wither and fall apart, then the days where everything starts to bloom again. Then comes a day where everything start to tremble again. I realized that the bad weather only teaches us to appreciate the good weather. So don't worry if it's too cold, the sun will be shining.

Yes, it will... Any minute now:')

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Life-Long Dream

Take cooking lessons
Take psychology as a minor
Publish book(s)
Learn all I need to know about broadcasting... For real this time
Live alone in an apartment
Be happy
Have a pet dog
Land a magazine cover
Travel to a city in each continent, two places minimum
Watch Buble or Bennett live... Or both at the same stage (GASP!)
Buy a hybrid
Be a whole vegetarian
Celebrate New Year's in Times Square
Find love among the broken and scattered memories
Waking up to Ibiza's sunrise
Vespa-ing along the streets of Italy
Jog in Central Park at 5 a.m.
Not worry

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Guys are jerks. If you argue with him, you're hard headed. If you're quiet, you don't care. If you call him, you're too clingy. If he calls you, he says you should be happy. If you don't love him, he'll try to win you over. If you do love him, he leaves. If you don't have sex with him, you're a tease. If you do, you're easy. If you cheat on him, he breaks it off because he had no other choice. If he cheats, he wants another chance.

I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then being disappointed again.

I hate it when people say that I've changed, maybe I've just stopped faking happiness. You can't break a girl whose already broken, you can't hurt a girl whose already dead inside.

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Recent Song On Play: Parallel Lines- Kings Of Convenience

You know what the best part is?
Every little thing, every item, every hopes, every dream,
I got it and did it all by myself.
I realized that I'm capable. Deep down I am able.
Even when I tried running away, they kept chasing me back,
Keeps me back on track.
I know I won't be alone, somehow I knew I would make it through.
Even when times get rough and the clouds turn grey,
I know it'll be okay at the end of the day.

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Journal To Survival #3- The Haunting Questions

Recent Song On Play: Sway- Susan Wong

It's hard enough to make it on your own without having to include other people in the drama you don't wish to be in. But honestly, whether we like it or not, the cold hard truth is that we live with other people in this world, so there's a huge chance that they'll be a part of your relationship, even when you're unaware of it. On this segment of the week, I'm about to talk about something that might also be a pretty hard challenge for us to get over.

The haunting questions of why, how and who ended it. Of course we tell stuffs to our family, to our friends and others about our relationship with someone. There might even be people that have been there from the start and those who have been through the progress ever since. Even know the slightest detail about the relationship, the people you turn to when the times get hard, before you call it quits, of course. The hard part might not only be explaining over and over about what happened, but maybe the judgment that came alongside the explanation beforehand. One of the tough challenges is that when our family and friends have found so much comfort with the person we're associated with. It just gets worse when they find the separation unfortunate, somehow you're just reminded with the pain over and over again. It will be easier if you would just explain what really happened and that you're over it. You don't regret it, you're just over the mourning part. Tell them that you are, even when deep down that you don't. I think of it as an act of faith.

When you have many mutual friends with your ex-partner, it doesn't make the forgetting bit any easier. Sometimes you're tempted to ask how the person's doing now, if there's someone new, or if he/she still asks or talks about you. It's not going to be easy, especially when you wish it could have ended up differently.

The thing is, remember to always stay calm at the inescapable questions that will be coming your way. Just don't think what other people will have to say about it, it's you who went through the crazy ups and downs of a relationship. People may have control over things you do, but they may never have control over the things that you feel. It might be something that you second guess of, but the separation happened anyway and there's nothing you can do about it, neither can the people around you.


keep the faith
xoxox

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Letting Go

Recent Song On Play: Gravity- Sara Bareilles

DM on Twitter won't fit so I guess this is a much easier option for me. I'm setting you free now. No matter how hard it is for me to do so, but thank you for letting me go. This time, after all the things you said, I really think it's for the best, you'll probably thank me in the long run. We got so many people fooled with the act that we tried to pull off that we're really over when we never really were... But I guess this one's for real. I know if we keep on doing this, if I keep on trying to save it, I will be such a burden for you to find another. I'm letting you go because you're going to find someone better, trust me. I know someday I might regret this, and by the time I realize that, I know you'll be happy, with someone who can sincerely, truly and genuinely make you happy. I've seen it coming to an end a couple of times before... And I know it's going to be hard, knowing how deep I've thoroughly fallen for you. I'm not going to cause any trouble for you anymore, knowing that you've mentioned you're much happier when you work alone. Back then you even admitted it was your best radio show after we fought. For God's sake, we just fought, darn it. How can you Tweeted that it was the best radio show that you did. You know me so well that as a writer, words have the ultimate power to hurt me. I was crying, you were laughing. You said you're happier when you're with me, but obviously everything you've shown me, the actions towards me only prove that you're happier without me. We kept on silently hurting each other. Enough is enough I guess. It's like the thread is hanging... When you see a thread hanging off your t-shirt, what do you do with it? You cut it off. I know the first few months will be hard, but I know it won't be long before you find another. I'm sorry if I can never be good enough for you, I'm not perfect, you'll find the perfect one for you. What is hard is that I'm not only going to lose a lover, but I'll lose my best friend. I'm okay with people thinking it's me who have the issues, and that I'm so cruel for hanging you all this time, I don't need to prove anything to anyone, but here's to let you know that I really do want to make it official, and that we were just waiting for the right date to make it official. So here's my farewell gift to you, go to 80DaysToForever.tumblr.com/page/11, it will explain everything, and the link will direct you to the first page ever since I made it. Oh, you'll be needing a password, the password is the date on which we plan to make it official. All numbers, 8 numbers total. You'll get it, just like everything else you do in your life, you'll figure it out. And I don't usually say this, but you know me well enough that I mean it... I love you. I'm doing this so you'll find someone better, much better than me, by then I hope she makes you happy. I'm not asking you to remember me, I know you well enough that you have the ability to forget easily, take it to your advantage, I just want a fragment of our memory for you to keep, like Nirvana, a place of our escape, or how smooth Valentine went, or those little serendipity moments like when we accidentally raised our hands together when we're watching Sondre Lerche at Java Jazz, those things you can't get back no matter how much you want to, or how much you wish you'd have someone else you want to share it with. Can't wait until I see it all happening, until I see all your dreams come true. Thank you for such an amazing 10 months, we never were official, but I had the time of my life.

Often times we say goodbye to the one we love without wanting to but that doesn't mean we stop loving them. Sometimes goodbye is just a painful way of saying I love you.
I'll say it again for you, I really do, love you.

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Hello, October!

Fact:
The best pictures are taken when you're just straight out of bed.
Well at least, you can see how you look without any kind of grooming.



October To-Do List:

1. Take off braces.

2. Grow taller.

3. Get enough sleep.

4. Lose weight.

5. More and more and more work.

6. Grow hair.

7. Cut hair.

8. BLOG!

9. Save more money.

10. Spend!

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