"We're Going Down... You Can See It Too"

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

You go back and forth. You see the rubble. In pieces. You've lost sight of who you love. You want to be saved but the person who can get you out is the one who burned down the building. You saw it all burning but you hold on without knowing it will destroy you. The things we crave the most, destroy us the quickest, don't they? As the air thickens, it gets harder for you to breathe. The memories, they are too precious to leave behind. But you can't picture yourself building a new home. Maybe a new house, but never the same home. I wish I was bold enough to leave. Build a new house. But with you, the thought lingers, I'm going down with the building. I can lose a house, but I never want to lose my home. And I never want to lose my home.

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You owe it to the people who hate you, who disrespect you and who put you down because they are the ones who have made you who you are today, for keeping your head up and not breaking down when they want you to.

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You. Just... You

Sometimes all I really want to do is sit beside you. I want to watch cheesy and crappy movies with you, and we will laugh at them together. I want to plan things with you, things we’ll never do, but for some reason just planning them with you is fine with me. I want to talk to you about everything and anything. I want to goof around with you and make jokes that aren’t funny but we’ll laugh nonetheless. I just want to fall in love with you over and over and maybe at one point we’ll get tired of each other, but we never let go. We never let go. If we do, we realize how bad life is without each other. But until then, I want you, and just you.

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You're Right... I Write

Write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified. Because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.
- Audre Lorde

Someone wrote "You need a counselor" on my Formspring today. I smiled. Thought about it for a while and thought, "Yeah, based on what I wrote on my blog mostly, I somehow look like a person that needs one." I'm flattered by the attention. Why do I call it attention, because opening the internet takes time. And to spare your time to write to me, even anonymously, call me crazy one way or another (it's not like I haven't been considered as one), I'd like to call it compassion. Deep compassion towards a stranger. And I appreciate that.

I write because I love to write. And the best feeling in the world is not when people say that I'm good at it or that they love my writing, but it's because I love to connect with other people through words. See the Qur'an, the Bible; everything is written as a guidance for religion. It's this divine bond to your soul. Words have the power to do that. That's why words have infinite power to lift you up. That's exactly why there's quotes, lyrics, because they are relatable. I'm sorry if what I write is inappropriate or it's not your cup of tea. But newsflash, people, this is not your blog but in fact this is mine. And I'm going to write whatever I want on it. You can tell me I'm bad or I suck or you hate every little bit of what I write, just don't tell me to stop writing.

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends.

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Run For Your Life

Have you ever heard the sound of your own heartbeat? Has it ever pounded so hard that you can hear it without even trying to hear the sound? Isn't it a scary thing? To be alive? You roam around without knowing what tomorrow has in store for you just around the corner. To be at the edge, not sure if there's anything below. Then you look up, not sure what you're looking for either. You just need some sort of proof. Help. You need guidance. You have faith but you brought fear with you all along. In between. Falling or flying. Then you thought if you're better off not knowing. But you know you'll be stuck wondering. You crawl and then walk and finally run for your life.

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I really wonder why people suddenly change after they get what they wanted. One day they're sweet, the next day they're not. One day they're here, the next day they're not. One day you're important to them, the next day you're worthless. One day they love you, the next day they don't care about you. That's how ironic people can be. Just pretty lies. But it's still your choice. Because you choose to get hurt when you choose to be in love.

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If he misses you, he'll call just to hear your voice. If he wants you, he'll say it. If he cares, he'll show it. If he has a thought about you, it will come out of his mouth. If you are on his mind nonstop, he will do anything he can just to see you. If he truly likes you, he won't let anything get in the way and fight back just to keep you in his arms. If not, he's not worth your time because you're obviously not worth his.

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We are all looking for answers. In medicine, in life, in everything. Sometimes the answers we were looking for were hiding just below the surface. Other times, we find answers we didn't realize we were asking a question. Sometimes, the answers can catch us completely by surprise. And sometimes, even when we find the answer we've been looking for, we're still left with a whole lot of questions.

- Grey's Anatomy

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We Need Someone

If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm, embrace it. If it's a broken heart, then face it.
- Jason Mraz

You will come to realize that everyone in your life will hurt you. Whether the scars are long or short term, it depends on how important they are in your life. If there's enough room in your heart for the hurt, there's enough room for the love as well. Even if it's from a family member or a dear friend, there are people in your life who will always be there, to keep you going. The people you can count on the most and they are the ones that stay, no matter what happens between you and them. Some bonds are just too strong that not even age or distance can separate you. And sometimes you are so thankful that maybe without them or their support, you wouldn't be here by now. Here's to them. Who never looked down or doubt or grew tired of dealing with you. To the family members, beloved friends, or as I'd like to call them, soulmates. So don't worry if you've experienced loss in the past, look at the things you've got and you'll never have to feel alone anymore.

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Lights, Camera... Action!


I'm the kind of person who is pretty picky on so many aspects, boys, jobs, you name it. And I am more than blessed to say that I get so many opportunities that I never thought of. It's only the third month of 2012, but I'm still looking forward to the many more to come! Here are some of the photo works I've done recently.






This is totally different from any shoots I did in the past... This is when my ballet skills come in handy! (I love it when I have to jump around or tiptoe to make breathtaking pictures) The shoot was at a rooftop and so we're really counting on the wind to make the pictures work. Again, love the outfits. It's by my beautiful friend Catherine Soepadhi. (Click her name here!) Go check her collections.





Behind the scenes ;)
I love this picture... Look like I just landed from flying.

Every gigs that I do have its own ups and downs, and to me, the cool thing about photoshoots is that you can actually be a girly girl, do all the make-up and dressing-up that I don't get to do when I go out with my jeans and tee on a daily basis. The outfits that I did on the pictures below are actually really ethnic and casual, has a touch of feminine Batik flare to it. Love the ensemble.





Here's another boutique photoshoot that I did with Miss Patricia Gunawan. Been a while since our last meeting. I forgot that we've even met before. Me and my short-term memory sometimes. Loving the playful dresses and wearable tops, jeans and accessories. One thing that made my day sour is that I rip my contacts before the shoot. So I can't see clearly the whole day, which made everything seem blurry. But it's clear now that the pictures turned out quite swell!







If you know my blog, then I know you can tell that this is so much different than the posts I've done in the past. Well 2012 is definitely about changes. Speaking of changes! I'm changing all my names into NADJ. It's pronounced as 'naszh.' If you know the word 'mirage,' then the 'DJ' at the back of 'NADJ' is pronounced exactly as the 'age' in 'mirage.' Sorry to confuse you. But I'm all about the changes this year. Let's hope this year's changes turn out to be a good one. Fingers crossed!:3


keep the faith
xoxox

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I don't like to blame it on any other people why I'm like this, but truth is, he's the reason I messed up. The reason I probably can't get myself into another relationship, no matter how hard I try, no matter how bad I want to. I'm scared. Scared of hurting anyone else. I feel bad for whoever guys that will come to my life because I know... That I could never love anyone the way I've loved him.

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Complicated and Underrated

"I just need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever"
- Juno

People told me that no matter how well I live on my own, there comes a point where I'll need a partner in my life. Some people like me find happiness in loneliness, but happiness is only real when it's shared. I've always been one of those skeptic that doesn't believe in marriages, long term companionship and such. My friend told me he can't find a reason why you should stick with someone who doesn't make you happy while you can be happy by yourself all the time. I totally get it. I mean, what's there to believe? When everyday I find people waking up and changing their minds; realizing that they're not really in love with the person they're with now. I've always thought of how complicated it is, to deny what you feel and believe in what you're thinking. Separation, unfaithfulness, so much drama in life with two when you can just peacefully and happily cook some dinner for one. Less energy drain, less emotion consuming, less complication.

I'm jealous. Not of passionate young love that most kids throw around these days. But of old people living in harmony and I guess no matter how hard I try to believe that you can grow old with someone, there's going to be a little part of me that thinks being alone means being free from hurt. You have something to lose only when you know you have something in your grasp, there's nothing to lose when you have nothing in your hands. But deep inside, the same brain that denies love's existence, it also thinks that it's nice waking up to your best friend, living your day and have sleepovers with the person you'd share your dreams with. Despite everyone's different definition of independence, I guess it's always nice to have someone you can always count on. I guess everyone knows that love is complicated, but many people also think love is underrated. They give love less credit than it deserve. You're moved to do things you're passionate about because you love it. You're heading towards your dreams because for once, you're actually doing something that you love. Love is real when it's shared, that applies to life as well. Life will be more lively when you share it. So share it with someone worth sharing, you won't be around forever, trust me.

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Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you've never seen, they'll look at you like you're everything they've been looking for their entire lives.
Wait for it.

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So I'm going out there. And I'm going to do the best I can. People are going to get in my way. Things are going to bring me down. But I'm going to keep going. I'm going to reach as far as I can, for everything I've ever wanted. And I'm not giving up. Because that's what you do when your dreams are more important than your fears. You go out there and ignore the odds. You focus on one thing, that your dreams come true.

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Recent Song On Play: In Your Atmosphere (Live in LA)- John Mayer

Movies are made as an escape of reality, a chance to make your own scenarios about life, but more than just a make believe. Someone even said that movies are the only reason why we believe in love. Maybe. Or maybe not. We can never know for sure. Love is one of the things in life we can never be sure of.

I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason.

- Hugo Cabret, HUGO.

Hugo is probably one of the movies you have to see this year, next to One Day, Ides Of March, Safe House, Dream House and wow... There's so many good movies this year, can't wait to get more where that came from! Hugo, despite the front poster and everything you've seen in the trailer, is definitely not a movie for kids. It's a very serious and long movie, not something kids under 15 would easily understand. The setting and soundtrack of the movie are such perfection, the cast was also just the right proportion. It is merely about an orphan that truly believed that he's worth more than just a repairman, because he truly believes that even though his life might seemed like it's going down; after his father's death and losing his chance of continuing education, he worked with what he have. A broken robot-like machine that was inherited by his deceased father and it made Hugo felt determined to fix it, but little did he know that he was actually meant for a much bigger purpose. Can't really spoil the whole movie, it's such a pleasant experience to witness an uplifting and positive movie by yourself. Haven't seen one of these in a while.

The past might make you who you are now, but it really is your choice if that's all you will ever want to be. It's about believing what you want to achieve, knowing your worth and giving yourself another shot even when life doesn't offer you a lot.

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I don't want a fairytale ending with you. I want to be there to help you face your fears and to help you overcome your failures. I want to give you the kind of love that's not distorted and fabricated, but real, raw and honest. You're not perfect and neither am I. But when we're together, I can believe that things will always fall into place. So please don't go.

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The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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a man's pledge to his lady:

i will kill the spiders. i will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. i won’t ever pop my collar. i will never be rude to your tummy- when i hear it growl and gurgle, i promise to bend down and reply respectfully. i will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. i will kiss the papercuts. and the door-slammed finger. and the counter-bumped hip. i’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. i will be the big spoon. i will let you win at wrestling. sometimes. other times i will not. i will go faster. harder. i will pull when you want. and tease you when you don’t. i will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever i want to. whenever i think you need one. or seven. i will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. i will hold your hand. i will love you. i will love you. i will love you.


(via tumblr)

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I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do want to live in a house filled with books and travel souvenirs. I haven't decided where I want to settle yet, but it's a big possibility that it will be New York. Or Italy. Or maybe my hometown. The walls that aren't covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house, I will be going to a job I love and I'll return to a person I love. That's the dream I'm working on.

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Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy. Hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. We're all afraid of something. I was afraid. But in the face of great despair, I had an epiphany... What I have done is who I am. But what I have done is not who I will be.

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You don't get to choose, you just fall in love. And you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know that you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it, 'cause the reason why it's so confusing is because it's love. And if love didn't have any challenges, what would be the point? It's about learning to love someone, just as much as you love yourself. Getting to know someone better so you can discover who you are along the way. Accepting their flaws so you realize that no one is perfect. Sacrificing for them so you won't be accustomed to being selfish. Giving each other faith to make their dreams into a reality. Filling in that empty gap so they can finally feel like a whole.

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Too Much Of Anything

Too much is never good. Of anything. Too much of a good thing leads to an addiction. Too much of a bad thing makes you a bitter person. Too much hate causes war. Too much love causes you trauma. Too much is never good. Maybe deep down I'm always trying because I know there's always someone out there, trying much harder than I am, in whatever cases. I can't let something slip away if it wasn't something I don't want to let go of. Maybe the thing with being too much is because you think less of yourself. That you don't realize you're actually better than you think you are. That you deserve better. That even when you're a train wreck or even if you have really old-school taste, when you don't hang out with the cool kids or walks at your own pace, someone would think you're enough. And I know people try so hard sometimes, trying to be more... But you have to know when is enough. What is enough. Who is enough.

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